I thought I was all alone. But I found out I am not.
I am a strong Christian.
A faithful wife.
A grateful mother.
A sister and friend.
A mentor.
A leader.
And yet I struggle. I feel betrayal. My sense of justice is damaged. My heart is wounded. I see no end in sight. I am tired. I am weak and carnal. My spiritual knees are practically flat from kneeling so often this last year.
And today I was reminded that I am not alone. We all put up a facade. We put our best foot forward. We all want to appear to be strong. We express our loving concern for "struggling friends" as we flash our cheerful smiles. We like to think we are more holy, stronger, more qualified. If this is all we allow to be visible, we can keep our dependable reputation intact, right? Thinking if we admit our weakness we will be rendered unusable.
I'd much rather be the usual me. I want to accept a miracle and move on. I don't want to admit weakness or faithlessness or need. I want to be the popular kid who has it all together. We have started in a new place and I want to be known as The Lady Who Has It Together. I don't want to be weak and needy.
I am grateful for the real and honest women who spoke to me today. Who shared their sameness with me by sharing their strength and their brokenness in the same breath. They heard my desire to crawl under a rock and they still saw strength in me. Yet, I had no strength. So I know it was His Strength showing through - even though I feel as if I have been stripped of usefulness. I was reminded that Now is what He is waiting for.
And now He can use me.
I know soon He will gift me with joy that is unspeakable. And I will share it here with you who have also shared in my weakness, yet believed in me. And today he will give me Grace that is sufficient.
And yes, may His power rest upon me.
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)
"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (I Corinthians 12:10)
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him." (James 1:2-5)
Friday, July 11, 2008
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9 comments:
Yes, sister. Yes! Amen and all that.
I enjoy being qualified... but that is a problem. I can see how God has gifted me, but it's easy to be prideful and forget that it was God's gift, not mine. But then our failings and weaknesses disqualify us. We need it to be about Him and his strength in us. As one who calls you a friend and mentor, thank you for your candid transparency and lessons learned.
Tiffany, do you listen to Newsboys? One of their songs is called "Joy" and part of it goes:
And how your love, rights everything wrong
In my weakness
You're ever stronger, you're pulling me back
Where I belong
God is strong in all our weaknesses. I'm learning that one (as I tend to learn most things) the hard way. But it seems the farther I get to that point of absolutely broken, the more I feel God lifting me up and literally carrying me through days.
We're all cracked vessels, and God still uses us for His glory. Believe me, you are not the only one who wants to have it all together... tell you what, if I figure it out first, I'll let you know! ;)
God will make a beautiful picture out of all our brokeness...
I just hope my eyes are opened to see it in this lifetime of mine.
Wow, Tiffany. This is beautiful. Your heart is so revealed here and it is obviously being massaged by the Lord.
God, please meet ME like you're meeting Tiffany. Amen.
Hi dear Tiffany!
It sounds like there must be something good coming! I start to see this pattern in my walk now. God seems to do these painful humblings regarding me and all the depraved humans around me...allowing me to get to the very bottom... so that when he yields a coming harvest I don't take credit for it!
I often look back and go "wow Lord! That was a good idea cuz I totally would have thought I was awesome if you hadn't let me see the truth! ha ha!
SO true though. We are such wicked sinners, yet SO useful in our realized uselessness!
Love and hugs to you!
~Useless in Seattle
Thanks for your post, Tiffany! I love how God creates such beauty out of brokenness.
Each one of those verses always speak to my heart in the midst of troublesome times. He is strong when we are weak......and that is a good place to be. Even if it's hard. :)
Thanks for sharing your heart.
You have expressed this so beautifully. This post strikes a chord with me because I so often feel alone in my own failures and brokenness. And I want to be so "together" so that people will see strength and faith and all of that....purely selfish motives to hide behind a facade. Blech.
This verse was something I clung to during a particularly dark time:
Ps 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
He lifts those who are bowed down and carries their burdens. There is grace to be found in the midst of the heartache and you've reminded me of that today. Thank you!!!
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